On becoming 21.
Glancing backward to proceed forward.
16 April (2̶0̶2̶0̶) 2022
There’s always supposed to be a silver lining, right? The light that seeps through after the dust has settled? I sneaked back into those memories of the past to escape the confining reality and let my passions lead me throughout the magnificent expanse of my campus. Then the time arrived for the colleges to reopen, the leaves were beginning to change color and there was a mild cold in the air. In a rush to get through the throes of the pandemic and college life, I found myself tracing back to the sounds, flavors and spaces I left off years ago.
Even after opening this document, I couldn’t bring myself to write anything remotely singular as I turned 21 and grew out of college on the same day. Recently, it has seemed like life is like a movie based on a script I expected to be predictable but which came with unexpected twists.
Why am I embarking so much on deciphering the plot rather than taking pleasure in the progress?
One day, after a usual stroll with friends, sitting and enjoying my favorite cup of tea, I reminisced how this city seeped into my skin, had me breathless as I ran around, exploring. I couldn’t see everything this resplendent city had to offer. Although this April was no longer the same for me, I still got lost in it.
Like a street, I’ve driven down a hundred times and still can’t remember which way to go. Like music that makes one stare at nothing in particular but emptiness. I’m fearful of anything that isn’t under my control. I look at old photos of myself and others I bear close presently. That’s supposed to be me, but it’s not. I hope she’s happy about me. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time mourning all the lives I could have lived. I wish I had more time in the present moment. I want to be still and hold Time in my palms, firmly. Perhaps if I sang it a lullaby, the world around me would become silent for a few moments, letting us finally live in it without guilt.. I have been surrounded by countless faces, but now the only one left was mine.
I can make out some faces in the mist, but I’m not sure if they’ll ever be clear enough to be present. My palms are being bruised and discolored by time. I tried to make an effort to keep it in my pockets. I tied it to everything I could find, but it was still too much to bear.
When I think of my life in this city, I have this feeling of standing under a waterfall, getting hit by the strong water piercing through my skin and bones, hurting me badly with the truths of life. This city is full of huge and tiny fountains, and parks with bandstands where music used to be played. I stayed near a government boys school for the previous few months, where the boys sang “Jana Gana Mana’’ every morning and screamed even louder on their way home. Outside, the leaves were resplendent in the sun, and I heard the city’s sounds, faint (most often louder) and lovely (sometimes with caps), like hundreds of faraway violins. Even the university is tucked away in the woods.
April was a bumpy road for me. I had to formally say goodbye to everyone already. Now that I think about it, I didn’t really do it properly, but I did it for the namesake though I detest farewells. I suddenly experienced a sense of remoteness. Did I gain anything here that I would regret leaving? Am I someone to anyone here? Even if it’s irrelevant, I felt the urge to know the answer. But nonetheless, I was relieved to have gotten in the way of so many outstanding people whom I hold with utmost love.
09.07.2022 5:15pm
Now, when I am reminiscing about all of what has been given to me, I feel relieved to be home, to be in less heat, traffic and people. I know now what it feels to say that our basic emotions coexist in the state of greater simplicity. I can hear my own voice, hear my thoughts and even write all this down without any slumps. It was never easy trust me. There were times in these past months, when I would be opening this document, (trying) writing everything, failing. Then there is purging of ideas and emotions that no longer benefit, which drain of joy and sorrow. When I feel like wanting to give up, I return to the words of Khalil Gibran.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
New people.
New beginning.
Everything is on the cards sooner or later.
Still.
I really wish I could hold back a few, a few of them.
I really wish I could re-live some of those moments that revamped the radiance of my life.
And yes.
Just as I once read, “We need those moments of thrashing around and struggling to comprehend ourselves and the world around us,” so too am I now making sense of the world through myself. Life goes on and so do I, bracing myself to experience new learnings and unlearnings that are in store for me.
HAPPY CAMPER!
